Actually, I'm not fine… blog

Part 8: The Double Standards We Don’t Talk About

Society loves rules, but the rules are rarely fair. From the moment we’re born, gender dictates expectations. Women are expected to be nurturing, strong, patient, and graceful, all at the same time. Men are expected to be stoic, providers, protectors, and resilient; even when the weight is crushing. And when either gender deviates from these invisible mandates, judgment follows swiftly.

I’ve lived under these double standards my entire life. I was taught to distrust men because of the men who hurt my family, yet I was also told to model strength, independence, and control. My successes as a woman were expected, yet my failures were amplified. Society celebrates men for achievements that women have to fight twice as hard to attain, and when women succeed, it’s seen as inevitable rather than admirable.

This extends into relationships, too. Men are often praised for being providers or strong, even when they fail in emotional availability. Women are expected to give endlessly, nurture endlessly, and still appear delicate or accommodating. And yet, we are judged harshly when we assert our boundaries, our needs, or our independence. The rules are inconsistent, and the expectations are suffocating.

I see this in the way I was raised. My mother taught me that men were unreliable, that I should depend on no one but myself, that independence was non-negotiable. But she also taught me that love was secondary to control, and that relationships were a negotiation of power rather than a partnership of trust. That lesson was reinforced in adulthood as I navigated friendships, workspaces, and romantic partnerships. The world expected me to succeed, to survive, to love, and to give; without error or hesitation. And when I faltered, I was told I was “too much” or “not enough.”

But here’s the truth: these double standards aren’t just societal, they’re intergenerational. They are inherited, learned, and perpetuated by the very people who love us. They shape the way we parent, the way we partner, and the way we view ourselves. And they create tension in relationships, leaving both men and women feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged.

Understanding these double standards is the first step toward breaking them. It means recognizing the ways our upbringing, trauma, and social conditioning shape our expectations. It means creating space to acknowledge struggles without shaming or comparing them. And it means teaching the next generation, our children, that worth is not determined by gender or success; is not limited by societal expectation, and love is not a transaction.

Closing Reflection:

How often do we examine the unspoken rules that govern our lives?

How many of our struggles could be eased if we challenged the double standards that define how men and women are “supposed” to act, feel, and love?