Actually, I'm not fine… blog

Part 6: Parenting the Child You Were

Trigger Warning (18+): This post includes themes of childhood neglect, emotional abuse, and self-healing. Intended for adult readers. If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.

When you grow up in chaos, you don’t always realize what you didn’t get. You just learn to adapt. You shrink or you shout, you stay silent or you run. And for many of us, the child inside never stopped waiting…. waiting for comfort, waiting for validation, waiting for someone to finally say, “You are enough, exactly as you are.”

I’ve had to face a painful truth: those moments might never come from the people I wanted them from. But I can still give them to myself. I can parent the child I was.

What “re-parenting” really means:

Re-parenting doesn’t mean pretending the hurt never happened. It means showing up now, as the adult version of yourself, with compassion for the younger one who never got what they needed.
It means saying:

• “You’re safe now.”
• “You were never too much.”
• “You didn’t deserve that.”
• “I love you, even when you’re messy, scared, or tired.”
  It’s not about fixing the past. It’s about tending to the places inside of you that still feel small and afraid.

The signs your inner child is asking for care:

• You get triggered by small comments that feel bigger than they should.
• You feel a wave of shame for needing help.
• You crave validation from people who withhold it.
• You notice an emptiness even when life looks “fine.”
  These are often echoes of the child you were, asking to be seen.

Practical ways to re-parent yourself:

• Gentle rituals: Create bedtime or morning routines that bring comfort. Read yourself a story, light a soft candle, wrap up in a blanket; anything soothing.
• Affirmations for the younger you: Keep a photo of yourself as a child and write notes to them. Speak to them the way you wish adults had spoken to you.
• Boundaries as safety: What was unsafe before doesn’t have to be unsafe now. Saying “no” is one way to protect your inner child.
• Play: Let yourself draw, dance, watch cartoons, eat a snack you loved as a kid. Joy is not childish; it’s healing.
• Therapeutic support: Sometimes the most powerful way to re-parent is with the help of a professional who can guide you in untangling the wounds.

Why this matters?

Because the child you were is still inside you, carrying the burden of unspoken words and unmet needs. If you ignore them, they’ll keep showing up in subtle ways in relationships, in the way you see yourself, in the choices you make.

But if you tend to them? If you love them? You begin to break the cycle. You learn what it feels like to belong to yourself.

Reflection prompt: Find a photo of yourself between ages 5–10. Sit with it for five minutes. What does that child need to hear? Write a short letter telling them what you now know to be true.

If this brings up painful feelings or memories, please don’t carry them alone.
U.S. Crisis Line: Call or text 988 (24/7).
U.K./Ireland (Samaritans): 116 123.
NEDA Helpline (Eating Disorders, U.S.): 1-800-931-2237 or text NEDA to 741741.
International: Visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention to find crisis resources in your country.