Actually, I'm not fine… blog

Part 9: Forgiveness, Anger, and Letting Go

Trigger Warning (18+): This post discusses themes of anger, betrayal, and forgiveness. Intended for adult readers. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

Forgiveness.

It’s one of those words people throw around like it’s simple. “Just forgive and move on.”

But if you’ve lived through trauma, betrayal, or abuse, you know it’s not that easy. Sometimes forgiveness feels impossible. Sometimes it feels unfair. And sometimes, it feels like one more way the world is asking you to silence your pain.

Here’s the truth I’ve had to learn: forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened. It isn’t about letting someone back into your life. And it definitely isn’t about pretending you’re “over it.”

Forgiveness is about finding freedom in yourself.

The role of anger:

Anger is not the enemy.
Anger is often the part of us that says, “I deserved better.” It’s the proof that something wrong happened. It’s a voice that refuses to stay silent anymore.

The problem isn’t anger itself, it’s what we do with it. Holding it forever can harden us. Releasing it in destructive ways can harm us. But listening to it? That’s where healing begins.

What forgiveness is not:

• It is not saying, “It’s okay.”
• It is not an invitation to continue the relationship.
• It is not forgetting.
  Forgiveness is simply deciding that someone else’s choices will not control your heart forever.

Letting go versus holding on:

We think holding on to anger will keep us safe, a shield against being hurt again. But over time, anger turns into a cage. Letting go doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means refusing to let the past own your present.

Practical steps toward forgiveness (at your own pace):

• [ ] Acknowledge your anger. Write down what you’re angry about without censoring yourself.
• [ ] Separate justice from healing. You can want accountability and still choose peace for yourself.
• [ ] Define your boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t require reconnection. You can forgive and still say, “You don’t get access to me.”
• [ ] Release through ritual. Burn a letter you’ll never send. Scream into a pillow. Write their name on a rock and throw it into water. Symbolic acts can help your body let go of what your mind keeps replaying.
• [ ] Choose compassion: for yourself. Forgiveness starts with offering gentleness to the one person who deserves it most: you.

A note for anyone who isn’t ready:

It’s okay if you’re not ready to forgive. Healing is not a straight line. Some days you’ll feel free; others, you’ll feel heavy again. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.

Reflection prompt: Think of one person you feel anger toward. Instead of forcing forgiveness, ask: What do I need in order to feel safe from them? Start there.

If this post stirs painful emotions, please don’t hold them alone.
U.S. Crisis Line: Call or text 988 (24/7).
U.K./Ireland (Samaritans): 116 123.
NEDA Helpline (Eating Disorders, U.S.): 1-800-931-2237 or text NEDA to 741741.
International: Visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention to find crisis resources in your country.