Actually, I'm not fine… blog

Category: healing

  • The Loss… Part 6

    Chapter 6: The Love That Made This Loss Love is strange. It can be the most profound force in the world, powerful enough to create life, and yet, it cannot always protect what it creates. I feel it everywhere, in every ache and heartbeat, in every thought and memory. This love, ours, is what brought…

  • The Loss… Part 5

    Chapter 5: The Gaping Hole There is a space inside me now that no one else can see, a hollow that stretches wide and deep, carved out by grief. It is a gaping hole, one that swallows me whole in quiet moments, in crowded rooms, in the middle of a mundane day. It is not…

  • The Loss… Part 4

    Chapter 4: Everyday Landmines Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. It doesn’t announce itself. It doesn’t politely knock at the door of your mind. It hides in the corners of your day, in the quiet moments, in the ordinary routines, and then it explodes when you are…

  • The Loss… Part 3

    Chapter 3: The Anger That Isn’t Yours I never knew grief could come with such fire. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would be heavy. But I didn’t know it could make me so angry, so feral, so out of control. And the person who bears the brunt of it is the one…

  • The Loss… Part 2

    Chapter 2: The Weeks I Still Count Time doesn’t move the same way after loss. I look at the calendar and each week is a reminder of what could have been. I find myself doing the math, silently marking the days in my mind, the milestones, the growth that should have been. If everything had…

  • The Loss… Part 1

    Chapter 1: The Echo of “Non-Viable” They said it so casually, almost like it was a fact to be noted in a chart: non-viable. I can’t stop hearing it. Non-viable. Non-viable. Those two words echo endlessly in my head, rolling over and over like a storm I can’t escape. Every time I close my eyes,…

  • The Healing We Never Expected… Series Part 5

    Part 5: There was a time when I believed healing wasn’t meant for me. That my story was too heavy, my wounds too deep, my heart too scarred to ever feel whole again. I believed love would always be fleeting or conditional. Something you had to chase, something that slipped away the moment you reached…

  • The Healing We Never Expected… Series Part 4

    Part 4: For most of my life, love felt like a guessing game. I thought it was about being pursued, about someone chasing after you to prove you were worth it. I thought silence meant they didn’t care, and boundaries felt like rejection.With him, I learned something entirely different. He never spoke in circles. He…

  • The Healing We Never Expected.. Series Part 3

    Part 3: I thought I could protect my child from the darkness I carried. I told myself that if I loved enough, if I poured everything I had into her, it would be enough to cover the cracks in me. I prayed that she wouldn’t inherit my sadness, my anxiety, the heavy weight of silence…

  • The Healing We Never Expected… Series Part 2

    Part 2: I used to leave. That was my pattern. If something didn’t benefit me, if I couldn’t control it, if it got too loud or too heavy, I walked away. I didn’t care to fight for what I didn’t understand. I told myself it was strength, but really, it was fear disguised as indifference.…